The Upswing

I went back and I read that post from what...7 days ago? It feels like a year. And my outlook has shifted completely...while my students still yell and shout and throw things, and while I still yell and shout and stand there, none of it seems as serious anymore. The lightness of this job struck me sometime circa Sunday afternoon, and it just doesn't seem like such a big horrible deal anymore.

So it's a job. I go in every day and I'm not great at it, but that's okay. I can get better, slowly, over time, and with many setbacks, and a lot of plateauing...and I'm okay with that. And most importantly...it is just a job. Whether I get good at it and start tracking my students' achievement and running my classroom like a well-oiled TFA machine or not, I still get to go home every afternoon and every weekend. I can still listen to Iron & Wine in my headphones while I type up guided notes, and watch TV on Wednesday and Thursday nights, and take long drives to hear concerts and visit friends and see my parents.

Life outside of school is wonderful. And life inside of school is funny, difficult, and most importantly progressing inevitably forward.

I want to tell stories about my kids now, and actually paint this picture for you, but I have to leave for grad school pretty soon so I can find parking around UPenn and have time for dinner. So to illustrate my lack of classroom management for you, let me end with some quotes from my 5th period boys, responding to the prompt "How do you feel about this class?".

"I feel like this class is fun until we get to learnin, that is when we need to get serious. Our teacher is kind and I think we are not giving her the respect that she needs. I like this class and we need to get serious."

"The way I feel about this class is it's hard to learn. This class is very bad. I can't further my education in this class. You can't learn in this class because everybody is talking and playing. They are disrespecting the teacher, that's why I am happy I am transfering out."

"The way I feel about this class is that it's not fair that when people act up it's not everybody - but all the people's grades go down. This class act like they don't wanna learn. It's not fair to everybody."

"I feel that this class is too loud and obnoxious. Everybody jokes around which is honestly not that bad, but it disturbs me too much. I can't get my work done half the time. And the fights in this class make my class look uncivilized."

"I feel that this class disrespects the teacher too much and don't know when to stop joking and get serious."

"I don't feel nothing. But I would take it serious if the work was harder."

"I feel like I cannot learn because of the noise from my classmates and I can not do my work and concentrate on anything you teach."

"I feel like this class is ok when we actually learn something."

"I feel like I'm not learning anything in this class because people is talking."

"I like this class. Other than the talking, the rude remarks, cursing, fighting, trash talking, ignoring the rules...this is class is alright."

"I feel kind of lonely in this class cause theres no girls and that is kinda strange."

"I think you is a good teacher. I think this class just needs girls."

"I feel shitty and embarrased about my class because if 1 person mess up we all mess up."

"I feel funny, like I can't take this class because everybody makes me laugh."

"What I feel about this class is this class is cool, but sometimes the class acts crazy and the teacher acts mean and puts people in trouble."

"This class need sum girls and these kids in this class need to grow up. This class is too much."

Oh wow.

First off, let me start by saying I thought that this blog got deleted. So while many many things have been happening that I feel ought to be documented, I haven't really had an outlet (nor the patience or time) to write any of them down. The circumstances of my rediscovering this blog are as follows...

It's back-to-school night. Supposedly this started at 6:00 pm, and it's 6:22. Still no parents. So I sat down at my desk (just recently equipped with a functioning, internet-connected iMac) and with this borrowed time, I puttered around the web until I thought of visiting blogger and it automatically logged me in. So here I am, waiting for parents. Ready to hit "Save Now" and close out in a heartbeat...especially since I hear desks being moved in the room nextdoor.

False alarm. Still no parents.

So I almost quit today. I mean there are moments...a few rare moments on isolated days...when my "teaching and management style" just sort of click with the students and some learning happens. Let me emphasize the transience and rarity of these moments. I spend an overwhelming majority of the time in my classroom standing still, holding my ruined throat, waiting in exasperation as the minutes tick away and my students yell, shout, throw things, and tear the room down around me. Anything and everything but show some self-respect by acting like the students they are supposed to be.

This is entry has been cut short due to the arrival of parents. Check in again to see how things have changed in a couple of weeks.

"7" Being Strongly Disagree...

It's over. :-)

I have had a lot of things happen in the last couple of weeks that were blog-worthy, but every time I decided I had time to do a little writing, my roommate would shut off the light and go to sleep on me. Of course, I can see my computer screen in the dark, but I couldn't deal with the nagging guilty feeling that I should be sleeping too. So I would just shut down and go to bed.

So this will be a fairly retrospective entry.

The last couple of days that I had students, they started driving me a little mental. As much as I love the little...buggers. They just wouldn't shut up. I am not allowed to use my students' names online and I feel really awkward using pseudonyms for them at this point. So suffice it to say that two particular students, who were reported to have been seen "chillin" in a car outside the school at 7:45, would enter at 8:10 (late) and the chaos would begin. In my strictest voice I would tell them to stop wasting our time and to silently take their seats - and then every effort of mine to engage them in the lesson would result in giggles, "miss why you gotta bug me like that?", and the rest of the class dissolving into laughter.

The transcript would proceed as follows (note Ms. Miller losing control over her sarcasm):

Me: Wayne, what is the discriminant?
Wayne, laughing: Miss, I don't know.
Me: Wayne, what is the discriminant?
Wayne, laughing: Miss, I said I don't know.
Me: Can you read?
Wayne: Yeah, I can read! What you talkin about...
Me: Then read the board, it's written right there. (The class laughs). Wayne, what is the discriminant?
Wayne: I don't know.
Me: Read it. I'm not going to leave you alone.
Wayne: Oh the discriminant?
Me: Yes.
Wayne: Oh well that's b2 - 4ac.
Me: Yes! He can read!

A weak teaching moment for me, I realize, but once I asked him the question I couldn't let him go until he answered it. Sets a bad tone for the other students to do that. Anyway, the excessive amount of rudeness starting getting to me, but we got through the objectives and I just made them do stations so I wouldn't have to talk to them anymore. Of course, during stations, I had to gently restrain Wayne from fighting with 4 different people (one who insisted on saying "Wayne, I'm pregnant" every time he looked at her). By that point, I was starting to find their chaotic energy sort of amusing. Oh, the end of school...

All but one of our students passed the class, and on the last day we had a nice chat about what they want to do after high school. Two of our girls want to study forensic science in college, one with a double major in early childhood education. One of our boys wants to be a music major (he's a jazz musician). One of our boys is joining the plumber's union and one aims to be a Septa bus driver (he says he's got it all figured out - they make $20 an hour). None of them want to be a math teacher!

I have other things to write about...my final thoughts on Institute, my visit to Ithaca, my next two weeks, my plan for the year. How much I hope that I get to teach Algebra II. MLK and all my new colleagues. My CMA group. But right now I need to get some lunch and start organizing all of the emails that have been piling up for five weeks.

It's so nice to be home. :-)

I Understand Now

I am going to have to figure something out to make Sundays more bearable during the year. They can be so...depressing.